Growing out of the fear of not fitting in
If you had absolutely no fear what would be the first thing you would do?
I remember when I was 13, we still had dial up internet and limewire was in its prime. We had 3 kbps download speed and if there were no interruptions during the night I could download one song. I would add this song to my Mp3 player that held 32 songs. One evening I downloaded the uncensored version of Eminem’s “Under The Influence”. The lyrics went “I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like my shit, ’cause I was high when I wrote this so suck my dick”. At the time Eminem was the most popular rapper in the world and I simply liked him because everyone else did. The reality of my life as a teenager couldn’t be further from these lyrics. Unlike Eminem, I cared immensely what people thought of me. I had never been “high” and certainly wasn’t getting my dick sucked. I wanted to be in the “cool” group, and seek approval from the leaders of the gang. I saved my money and bought brand name clothes from the surf shop to dress like them. I did stupid things to impress girls. I acted dumb when I was smart. I blasted Eminem from my Mp3 player because they did. I did everything I could to try and “fit in”.
As I grew up into my 20’s I started to care less about fitting in, but the underlying fear of caring what people thought lingered. I chose not to express myself for fear of what people would think about me. From an evolutionary standpoint this fear stems from when we lived in tribes and becoming ostracized from the group would mean almost certain death. Our fear chemicals trick us into thinking we must conform to the group. This informs our ego which influences our behaviour. The ever critical, self inflicting ego. This idea that “I” needed to be a certain way for people to like me subconsciously guided my choices of how to behave.
At the end of each year I create a yearly recap, one of the activities includes a list of things I fear. Year on year, caring what people think, came up. I spent the best part of my twenties trying to undo this ingrained fear. I constantly checked in with myself with questions like “why am I doing this?” and I leaned into discomfort. I repeated the mantra “don’t confuse comfort with happiness”. I followed charm. I found when I put away the ego and listened to my soul that creativity and energy flowed. Now in my thirties I finally feel like I’ve reached a place where I do not care what people think of me. Perhaps this is a natural element of maturity. Of course there are moments where the ego flares up and fear creeps in, but for the most part I feel like I’m running my own race. Writing my own story. I feel light, I feel free.
Along this journey I found the less I cared about what people thought, the more I became myself. And this attracted like minded people, many of will read this article.
Dr Seuss said it better than Eminem: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because in the end those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.” So thank you for being the ones who don’t mind.
One of the goals of this email series in 2021 is about letting go of fear. Fear of putting my words out there. It’s an act of discomfort. My hope is that my actions inspire you to do the same. So I leave you with a question. What fear are you ready to give up in 2021?
“This idea that you’re going to be standing there being like “Is this cool? Am I cool?” What is this? It’s like, that’s usually the enemy of all great expression, and so I’ll be the first one to stand up there and just be “You know we’re idiots, look at us, and just to embrace the idea”
Wayne Coyne interview with Convicts at Surf Lodge 2017
